Saturday, May 8, 2010

I hate you death!

Death, I hate you.
You know, it's not fair really. Mother's Day is supposed to be a joyous occasion full of family and love. But right now, all i can think about is how I don't have one. I don't have a mom. Not anymore. The devil took her away in the form of cancer. Ugly, unrelenting, unfeeling cancer. It will soon be 4 years that she was taken from me.
The pain is as if it was yesterday. My young son doesn't even remember her. It is heartbreaking.

Photobucket

I didn't always have the best relationship with her. At times I even hated her. What teen didn't go through that stage? But I always really loved her. A few days ago I could have SWORN I heard her voice in the other room. Some times i expect her to come through the door.

We used to fight, but I loved her.
I sometimes said I hated her, but I always loved her.
We didn't always get along, but I ALWAYS LOVED HER.

I wasn't there when she died and I should have been.
I never really thought she'd die. I always thought that she was too stubborn to die.

I'll never know if she knew I loved her. That i was just a hurt teenager going thru things. That I didn't mean any of it.

I love my mom, and I miss her so.

I hate you death. I hate you so much!
You took my mom from me.

Photobucket

I love you mom so much.
I wish you could come back so I can tell you I'm sorry.

I wish you were here so you can see how much Jasmin has grown.
I wish you were here so you can finally hear Gabriel talk.

I wish you were here to hold me again.

Death, how i HATE you!

Thou tellest my wanderings: put thou my tears into thy bottle: are they not in thy book?
Psalm 56:8

Trust in him at all times; ye people, pour out your heart before him: God is a refuge for us.
Psalm 62:8

But I would not have you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning them which are asleep, that ye sorrow not, even as others which have no hope.
For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so them also which sleep in Jesus will God bring with him.
1 Th 4:13-14


Photobucket

I love you mom.

Photobucket

PhotobucketPhotobucket

6 comments:

The Road Less Traveled said...

{{{{{hugs}}}}} Oh dear sister Bridget, I'm sorry you have to go through this pain. I wish I was there with you to hug you and comfort you with words that only a mother knows...that you know...she knew you loved her...even through the arguements she knew, just like you will know your Jasmine loves you. A mother loves her children and forgives them! Again I'm sorry you are going through this, your in our prayers dear sister.

YahKheena

Joy Comes in the Morning said...

I am so sorry for your loss and pain.

Beautifully Veiled said...

Oh Bridget, I'm so sorry! I'll be praying for peace for you and for the Lord to comfort you through all this. I'm also praying for all guilt to leave you, for it is over, the Lord knows you loved your mom...and mom's know their daughters go through hard times. We've been praying for your family, provision and direction for you.
Blessings,
Linda

Mrs. Bridget G. said...

Thank you sisters. I sometimes get so caught up in my grief it is like it consumes me.

But I am better. I miss her but she gave herself to Christ before she died so I know I will see her again, even though the wait is killing me.

I appreciate all your prayers and friendships. It means alot to me.

A Voice in the Wilderness said...

What a beautiful post! I cannot imagine what it is like to lose a mother, but I bet if she could see you now, she would be so proud! One fine day, you both will stand side by side as Jesus appears from the clouds with His angels and forever we'll spend eternity with Him and death shall be defeated!

Gail said...

I lost my mother three years ago to early-onset Alzheimer's. I still wake up crying inside, "I want my mommy!". It is a hard thing.

This Mother's Day was especially difficult for me, for some reason.

When my mother passed, I actually gave up blogging because it was too painful to open myself up in any way. Here are a couple of posts that I wrote before I quit blogging:

This was right after she passed:

http://dappledthings.me/blog/home-life/ill-fly-away/

This one was a few months before she passed:

http://dappledthings.me/blog/nostalgia/bereft/

I tried to go back to blogging this fall, but other things came in my way. I may try again this coming fall.